Home > topical > Stuff what happened #2

Stuff what happened #2

I don’t know why it is news that virtual monkeys have nearly finished writing the complete works of Shakespeare: they’ve been writing the script for Neighbours for years.

A survey has announced that a third of under-tens own mobiles, but I don’t believe it – my kids grew out of theirs as soon as they could stop it spinning above their cot.

Greece has been handed a lifeline to pay off its enormous debt: Germany has discovered a large stack of washing up in a restaurant kitchen just outside Dusseldorf.

Tense, nervous headache? Psychotic tendencies? Nothing acts faster than new Neurofen Plus. For all life’s aches, pains and bipolar disorders.

Prison officers in Texas have abolished the last meal for inmates facing execution after one refused to eat his burger. The Governor admitted it was insensitive to have given him a ‘Happy Meal’.

I’ve been trying out that new antiviral drug derived from sharks. It’s works brilliantly but I haven’t stopped biting surfers since.

I feel sorry for the 98 year old war veteran whose local bus service repeatedly refuses to pick him up. “Too old, unkempt and with a nauseating whiff of urine,” said a bus company spokesman, “but they’re the only buses we’ve got and I’m sure he wouldn’t have minded.”

Silver worth £150m has been salvaged from a shipwreck in the Atlantic, believed to be the long-lost steam-ship SS Cash My Treasure.

I note with dismay that the founder of EasyJet, Sir Stelios Haji-Ioannou, is starting a new airliner called FastJet. Why is he naming them after my ex-landladies and will his next airliner be called LooseJet?

I feel for poor Bath City FC’s youth football team, who had 6 players sent off for wearing the wrong colour pants. They probably didn’t start wearing brown ones, but by the time they were 6-0 down, who can blame them?

A Christian cafe has been advised not to show certain passages from the Bible on a screen in case it causes offence, especially “thou shall not kill, not even for a nice cup of tea.”

Opinions are like The Only Way Is Essex: remarkably common and generally devoid of original thought.

Opinions are like cheese:  they are always popular at cocktail parties, full of holes and often disagree with you .

Opinions are like Barbara Windsor: they will always have their knockers.

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