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Posts Tagged ‘gags’

Stuff what happened #2

I don’t know why it is news that virtual monkeys have nearly finished writing the complete works of Shakespeare: they’ve been writing the script for Neighbours for years.

A survey has announced that a third of under-tens own mobiles, but I don’t believe it – my kids grew out of theirs as soon as they could stop it spinning above their cot.

Greece has been handed a lifeline to pay off its enormous debt: Germany has discovered a large stack of washing up in a restaurant kitchen just outside Dusseldorf.

Tense, nervous headache? Psychotic tendencies? Nothing acts faster than new Neurofen Plus. For all life’s aches, pains and bipolar disorders.

Prison officers in Texas have abolished the last meal for inmates facing execution after one refused to eat his burger. The Governor admitted it was insensitive to have given him a ‘Happy Meal’.

I’ve been trying out that new antiviral drug derived from sharks. It’s works brilliantly but I haven’t stopped biting surfers since.

I feel sorry for the 98 year old war veteran whose local bus service repeatedly refuses to pick him up. “Too old, unkempt and with a nauseating whiff of urine,” said a bus company spokesman, “but they’re the only buses we’ve got and I’m sure he wouldn’t have minded.”

Silver worth £150m has been salvaged from a shipwreck in the Atlantic, believed to be the long-lost steam-ship SS Cash My Treasure.

I note with dismay that the founder of EasyJet, Sir Stelios Haji-Ioannou, is starting a new airliner called FastJet. Why is he naming them after my ex-landladies and will his next airliner be called LooseJet?

I feel for poor Bath City FC’s youth football team, who had 6 players sent off for wearing the wrong colour pants. They probably didn’t start wearing brown ones, but by the time they were 6-0 down, who can blame them? Read more…

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Categories: topical Tags: ,

Stuff what happened #1

Medical research in Denmark has shown that yellow markings on the eyelids are an important early clue to potential heart attacks. A separate study has shown that eyelids are also important in heart attack prevention as keeping them closed will stop you finding your pies, fags and booze.

A study by a team of Dutch scientists has shown that people who eat fruit and vegetables with white flesh are 52% less likely to suffer a stroke. Not just good news for vegetarians, but a new advertising campaign for the BNP.

Nick Clegg says that the LibDems are “punching above their weight,” but;

(a) although impressive, would have been a far better claim in the days of Cyril Smith

(b) they won’t be taken seriously until they can punch above Eric Pickles’s weight, and

(c) critics say their approval rating would improve if they instead punched just above David Cameron’s shoulders.

Scarlett Johansson has asked the FBI to investigate the online publication of nude photos of her. 18,000 special agents have so far volunteered to look at the evidence.

Newly built houses in the UK are 45% smaller than newly-built houses in Denmark, although this is because we are a nation of animal lovers and therefore don’t actually need the room to swing a cat.

James Dyson, who has just unveiled a fanless heater to go with his bagless vacuum cleaner and wheel-less barrow, will now devote his time to inventing the chocolate teapot, the long weight, the glass hammer and a condom machine for the Vatican.

Why do the ‘Dale Farm Travellers’ need a permanent home? Surely they should never stop anywhere long enough to be evicted – the clue is in their name.

Surgeons have successfully managed to separate the Sudanese conjoined twins using techniques they learned recently during a similar operation to remove Jeremy Hunt from Rupert Murdoch’s pocket.

Although Chris Huhne has promised to get tough with the energy companies in order to help customers save money, it is believed he may just ask his wife to do it for him.

The Ex-Labour minister Elliot Morley, who was been freed from jail after dishonestly claiming more than £30,000 in parliamentary expenses, has decided against claiming Ford Open Prison as his second home.

Categories: topical Tags: ,