Stuff what happened #1

Medical research in Denmark has shown that yellow markings on the eyelids are an important early clue to potential heart attacks. A separate study has shown that eyelids are also important in heart attack prevention as keeping them closed will stop you finding your pies, fags and booze.

A study by a team of Dutch scientists has shown that people who eat fruit and vegetables with white flesh are 52% less likely to suffer a stroke. Not just good news for vegetarians, but a new advertising campaign for the BNP.

Nick Clegg says that the LibDems are “punching above their weight,” but;

(a) although impressive, would have been a far better claim in the days of Cyril Smith

(b) they won’t be taken seriously until they can punch above Eric Pickles’s weight, and

(c) critics say their approval rating would improve if they instead punched just above David Cameron’s shoulders.

Scarlett Johansson has asked the FBI to investigate the online publication of nude photos of her. 18,000 special agents have so far volunteered to look at the evidence.

Newly built houses in the UK are 45% smaller than newly-built houses in Denmark, although this is because we are a nation of animal lovers and therefore don’t actually need the room to swing a cat.

James Dyson, who has just unveiled a fanless heater to go with his bagless vacuum cleaner and wheel-less barrow, will now devote his time to inventing the chocolate teapot, the long weight, the glass hammer and a condom machine for the Vatican.

Why do the ‘Dale Farm Travellers’ need a permanent home? Surely they should never stop anywhere long enough to be evicted – the clue is in their name.

Surgeons have successfully managed to separate the Sudanese conjoined twins using techniques they learned recently during a similar operation to remove Jeremy Hunt from Rupert Murdoch’s pocket.

Although Chris Huhne has promised to get tough with the energy companies in order to help customers save money, it is believed he may just ask his wife to do it for him.

The Ex-Labour minister Elliot Morley, who was been freed from jail after dishonestly claiming more than £30,000 in parliamentary expenses, has decided against claiming Ford Open Prison as his second home.