More stuff what happened: Part the First

New, this Sunday, the Sun on Sunday! It’s not just a clone of the News of the World with celebrity gossip, sport and birds, it’s a clone of the Sun on every other day, with celebrity gossip, sport and birds! News, from the world, in the Sun on Sunday. On Sunday! Available from all good stockists, next to the toilet paper.

I’m intrigued by this one millimetre thick synthetic meat they’ve grown in a Dutch lab; I make turkey twizzlers and I didn’t know you could get meat that substantial.

I’m pleased American road-safety officials are investigating better in-car technology. As a committed dogger I’ve long been on the lookout for some wipers for the inside of my windscreen.

Now that Sean Penn has stated that the UK should give the Falklands back to Argentina, is it not time we also gave the Isle of Wight back to the 1950s?

Just thought I’d let you know that after he went missing Read more…

Categories: Uncategorized

Stuff what happened #2

I don’t know why it is news that virtual monkeys have nearly finished writing the complete works of Shakespeare: they’ve been writing the script for Neighbours for years.

A survey has announced that a third of under-tens own mobiles, but I don’t believe it – my kids grew out of theirs as soon as they could stop it spinning above their cot.

Greece has been handed a lifeline to pay off its enormous debt: Germany has discovered a large stack of washing up in a restaurant kitchen just outside Dusseldorf.

Tense, nervous headache? Psychotic tendencies? Nothing acts faster than new Neurofen Plus. For all life’s aches, pains and bipolar disorders.

Prison officers in Texas have abolished the last meal for inmates facing execution after one refused to eat his burger. The Governor admitted it was insensitive to have given him a ‘Happy Meal’.

I’ve been trying out that new antiviral drug derived from sharks. It’s works brilliantly but I haven’t stopped biting surfers since.

I feel sorry for the 98 year old war veteran whose local bus service repeatedly refuses to pick him up. “Too old, unkempt and with a nauseating whiff of urine,” said a bus company spokesman, “but they’re the only buses we’ve got and I’m sure he wouldn’t have minded.”

Silver worth £150m has been salvaged from a shipwreck in the Atlantic, believed to be the long-lost steam-ship SS Cash My Treasure.

I note with dismay that the founder of EasyJet, Sir Stelios Haji-Ioannou, is starting a new airliner called FastJet. Why is he naming them after my ex-landladies and will his next airliner be called LooseJet?

I feel for poor Bath City FC’s youth football team, who had 6 players sent off for wearing the wrong colour pants. They probably didn’t start wearing brown ones, but by the time they were 6-0 down, who can blame them? Read more…

Categories: topical Tags: ,

Neutrinos faster than the oldtrinos

By a water-cooler somewhere in CERN stand Dave, a boy on work experience, and his boss.

DAVE: So Boss, these fruitinis, what’s that all about?

BOSS: They’re neutrinos, Dave, and they’re pretty swift.

DAVE: How swift?

BOSS: You know how fast Tony Blair agrees to give a highly paid public speech?

DAVE: Yep, the speed of light.

BOSS: Well, these neutrinos are even quicker than that. They travelled from here to Italy in less time than it takes a Greek to dip into his overdraft.

DAVE: They didn’t go with Ryanair, then. So, how DID they do that? Read more…

Categories: topical Tags:

Stuff what happened #1

Medical research in Denmark has shown that yellow markings on the eyelids are an important early clue to potential heart attacks. A separate study has shown that eyelids are also important in heart attack prevention as keeping them closed will stop you finding your pies, fags and booze.

A study by a team of Dutch scientists has shown that people who eat fruit and vegetables with white flesh are 52% less likely to suffer a stroke. Not just good news for vegetarians, but a new advertising campaign for the BNP.

Nick Clegg says that the LibDems are “punching above their weight,” but;

(a) although impressive, would have been a far better claim in the days of Cyril Smith

(b) they won’t be taken seriously until they can punch above Eric Pickles’s weight, and

(c) critics say their approval rating would improve if they instead punched just above David Cameron’s shoulders.

Scarlett Johansson has asked the FBI to investigate the online publication of nude photos of her. 18,000 special agents have so far volunteered to look at the evidence.

Newly built houses in the UK are 45% smaller than newly-built houses in Denmark, although this is because we are a nation of animal lovers and therefore don’t actually need the room to swing a cat.

James Dyson, who has just unveiled a fanless heater to go with his bagless vacuum cleaner and wheel-less barrow, will now devote his time to inventing the chocolate teapot, the long weight, the glass hammer and a condom machine for the Vatican.

Why do the ‘Dale Farm Travellers’ need a permanent home? Surely they should never stop anywhere long enough to be evicted – the clue is in their name.

Surgeons have successfully managed to separate the Sudanese conjoined twins using techniques they learned recently during a similar operation to remove Jeremy Hunt from Rupert Murdoch’s pocket.

Although Chris Huhne has promised to get tough with the energy companies in order to help customers save money, it is believed he may just ask his wife to do it for him.

The Ex-Labour minister Elliot Morley, who was been freed from jail after dishonestly claiming more than £30,000 in parliamentary expenses, has decided against claiming Ford Open Prison as his second home.

Categories: topical Tags: ,

The Occidental Tourist

In the same way that you should never go food shopping when you are hungry in case you end up buying a Pot Noodle, it is probably best not to look into summer holidays when you are freezing cold, lest you book a trip to the Sun or Hell (not Skegness, the other one).

Despite this rule of thumb and the bitter weather, the Marshan clan’s holiday itinerary has recently become the subject of, if not argument, then at least vigorous debate. (Only within our family, I hasten to add – I can’t recall its being discussed during Newsnight or PMQs.)

Should we go abroad where it is warm, or stay in the UK where it is generally not? Would a hotel be best, replete with central heating and steaming showers, or should we plump for a self-catering apartment/caravan/tent where electricity, even if available, is metered with Scrooge-like parsimony? Or would it be a whole lot easier just spend a fortnight in Shrewsbury like we do most years?

Read more…

Categories: Holiday Tags: , ,

Gray Sky

The comments for which Sky football pundit Andy Gray has been sacked from his £1.7m job (surely some mistake?), were not only ill-advised from a sexism point of view, but also for being one of the most hackneyed football clichés ever, alongside “sick as a parrot” and “over the moon”. The offside law is only even slightly complex because the rules keep changing, and comments about women’s ability to understand them are a generation out of date.

Still, clichés are still a massive part of a football commentator’s weaponry, so here are some that you will hear in every Match of the Day, along with explanations: Read more…

Categories: Rant Tags: , ,

Day Five – New arrivals

The day that finally signalled a change in the weather. Goodbye dark clouds and heavy rain, and hello fluffy clouds, warm sunshine and a happier mother-in-law. The weather forecast for the next few days was also good. 

Her brother, Uncle L, and his wife, Auntie J, made the short journey from their home to join us for the day, first for lunch at the golf course – accompanied by several wasps (or wasp impersonators, I’m never quite sure until they try to sting me and then it’s impossible to tell from the squashed remains) – then for golf, swimming and dancing, something at which they are rather good. 

After swimming with his new best friend from the morning play-groups, son#1 did some putting on the green for the first time since we were here some three years ago and, once he started concentrating and taking his time, did rather well. I think he has perhaps left it too late to get into the Ryder Cup team, but maybe next time… 

The dancing went on until nearly midnight to so L and J stayed over on the far-better-than-it-needed-to-be sofa-bed. By this time, however, the weather forecast had changed back to “rain every day”… 

Cue unhappy mother-in-law again.

Categories: Holiday 2010 Tags: ,